What about me--the selfish one.

I find I am at a cross roads in life. I have very definate ideas about what I want but I find that what I want isn't jiving with what those around me want are able to give me. Welcome to adulthood.



Today I also find myself pissed off.I was attempting to sew downstairs today when Ryan came to visit. After a few minutes he deciced to go lay on his mom's bed, she was in her room working. I felt intensely angry that I can't go lay on my mom's bed. I can't even call her right now when
I so need some mom time because she is incapacitated from chemotherapy. If I call I
just reach my dad and after 41 years I well know that he is of no use to me for emotional support. So, here I am again showing my selfish side. My mom is dying of cancer and
I just whine because I don't have a mom available to me. Well, get over it sister cause that's your future!



I am so lonely for support right now. Someone to dump all that is weighing on me too. Yet I am burdened by loyalties. I can't talk about x to anyone because I have to be loyal to Jah and the unity of the congregation. Does anyone care that I had to give up my emotional support system because of this mess? Do I really want to hear from others what x is going through? What the hell about me? Why doesn't anyone know what I am going through? That would be because no one cares. Buck Up!



When exactly did I become such a pathetic excuse for a mother and wife? This current state of affairs is just not where I envisioned my life being 13 yrs later.



Is it wrong that I would rather not pioneer if it means not having income, insurance, semblance of security? Is it wrong that I deserately want Ryan to give up this dream and go back to work that will support us? This cleaning business is not my dream. I am physically unble to sustain this pace for much longer and the money is crap. Why can't I pioneer, send Koen to public school, and just be a house wife. Why does that feel so self serving?



I know there is no security in this system. Yet those words do not provide for the basic neccessseties of this family. Koen missed a dental appointment. I have one on Thursday. We don't have the money. I need a tooth fixed, Koen problably has several. George is making our house payment.



I do not want to frickin' clean another apartment again ever. I hate, despise, deplore that work. I must be able to do better than cleaning flithy aptartments for little more than minimum wage.



If I was in the world, I would get a full time job. I would put Koen in public school. When school let out, I would enroll him in the variety of summer day camps sponsored by various organizations. Because I am in the truth, those aren't options. I am left needing to figure our child care. TJ and Lea are not a satisfactory solution. For that matter in this current state I am in neither am I. I feel so disconnected from Koen because I am angry that he doesn't appreciate anything I try to do for him. He just fights me and demands more than he deserves. I want to get our relationship back into a balance but I cannot as long as we are where we are.

I named my blog, "Do you know what your problem is" as a responce to being asked that question. The set-up for this was a few weeks ago. I have had an extremely emotionally challenging year, details of which never really need to see the light of day. Quilting and sewing are cathartic to me, as I am sure to many. The thing I love about quilting is there are many different forms it can take as an art form. I am still finding where I fit in. I am known to start projects, reach a certain point and drop them to move on to the next project. Basically, I am a good starter but once I have learned whatever technique I was after, I often move on to the next project without finishing. For reasons unknown to me, this really bugs people. I don't get why. They have zero investment in whether or not I ever finish anything. So, I had this pin wheel baby blanket top pieced. It didn't actually start as a baby blanket. I was tring to learn pin wheels. While working on this project, I found out my mother was sick with mesothelioma. If you are unfamiliar, it's an incurable cancer cause by exposure to asbestos. This was 2008. I found I just couldn't finish that quilt. I had intended to give it to my mother but ultimately cut short the project and left it baby quilt size. So it sat for a couple of years. This winter 2010 I decided to finish some UFOs because I wanted to master using the quilt frame and machine that have been collecting dust for 3 years. That baby blanket was an obvious choice to complete even though I have no plans to give it to anyone. I had a lot of fun quilting this little blanket. I tried out some different designs instead of just stippling over the whole thing. I really put some thought into the quilting. I was ultimately pretty happy with the quilt. About the time I finished the quilt, my family and I went to NC to visit my parents. The visit was a huge let down. I really had high hopes of spending some quality sewing time with my mom, creating something memorable. Sadly, she felt poorly the whole time we were there. I had my suspicions but it wasn't until we got back home that test confirmed my moms "cured" incurable cancer was in fact back. Devestating news. So, I have known this about 18 hours when Aunt D walks into my house, looks at that baby quilt and proceeds to demand of me "Do YOU know what YOUR problem is!??" In the world according to Aunt D, my problem would be too much attention to "stinking detail". You see, she is a quilter and she busts out dozens a year. Which is just fine but not necessarily the kind of stuff I want to create and I most assuredly don't want her loud and vocal and uninvited critiques of my quilts the day after I find out my mother is dying! I just sat dumbfounded and mute. I have never said a word.

How I got here

Since I was in my twentys I have said that when I grow up, I am going to quilt. Back then I felt too incompetant and unstable to create. Both of my grandmother's were quilters. My mom's mom, Bertha was a beautiful hand quilter. She made the tiniest little stitches you have ever seen. It is hard to believe those beautiful stitches were made by hand. She only made a handful of quilts and sadly most of them are in sad shape today.

My dad's mom, Mable, is also a quilter, though today she is too arthritic to quilt. I don't think she ever made me a quilt but she did make a beautiful satin and velvet quilt that I coveted through my twenties. One day my grandfather gave me that quilt. That really pissed my grandmother off and even though I knew she was angry about giving the quilt up to me, I wanted it so much I took it anyway.

Just as well now anyway. Now she has been put into a nursing home and all of her quilts distributed amoung the family. The ceiling in her old home still has the hooks in the ceiling where the ladies would hang the quilt rack and sit around quilting each others quilts. Times have sure changed.

I now have in my possession just about every quilt made by my grandmothers and a couple made by my great grandmothers. I treasure these links to my past though I am saddened that I never got to learn about sewing from any of them. I would like to have known the stories behind the quilts. The stories of their lives when they were creating these quilts.

My favorite of all the quilts is the unfinished one made by Bertha. The quilt is called the Wedding Wreath, no not the double wedding ring. This is hand appliqued circle of green leaves with pink flowers and embroidered vines. Unfortunately, Bertha never finished this quilt. This quilt was to be a wedding gift for my mother. If this quilt ever hopes to be completed it will have to be by me. Now the question is, can I finish it while my mother is still alive? Also, am I capable of completing the quilt? Bertha did everthing by hand. I do everything by machine. Is there away to blend the past with the modern?

I always said I would quilt when I was more grown up. Apparently, grown-up was about 5 years ago when I decided to take a quilting class even though I didn't own a sewing machine or have a clue how to sew. 5 years later, I am hooked. Still much to learn though. Still searching for my creative voice.