What about me--the selfish one.

I find I am at a cross roads in life. I have very definate ideas about what I want but I find that what I want isn't jiving with what those around me want are able to give me. Welcome to adulthood.



Today I also find myself pissed off.I was attempting to sew downstairs today when Ryan came to visit. After a few minutes he deciced to go lay on his mom's bed, she was in her room working. I felt intensely angry that I can't go lay on my mom's bed. I can't even call her right now when
I so need some mom time because she is incapacitated from chemotherapy. If I call I
just reach my dad and after 41 years I well know that he is of no use to me for emotional support. So, here I am again showing my selfish side. My mom is dying of cancer and
I just whine because I don't have a mom available to me. Well, get over it sister cause that's your future!



I am so lonely for support right now. Someone to dump all that is weighing on me too. Yet I am burdened by loyalties. I can't talk about x to anyone because I have to be loyal to Jah and the unity of the congregation. Does anyone care that I had to give up my emotional support system because of this mess? Do I really want to hear from others what x is going through? What the hell about me? Why doesn't anyone know what I am going through? That would be because no one cares. Buck Up!



When exactly did I become such a pathetic excuse for a mother and wife? This current state of affairs is just not where I envisioned my life being 13 yrs later.



Is it wrong that I would rather not pioneer if it means not having income, insurance, semblance of security? Is it wrong that I deserately want Ryan to give up this dream and go back to work that will support us? This cleaning business is not my dream. I am physically unble to sustain this pace for much longer and the money is crap. Why can't I pioneer, send Koen to public school, and just be a house wife. Why does that feel so self serving?



I know there is no security in this system. Yet those words do not provide for the basic neccessseties of this family. Koen missed a dental appointment. I have one on Thursday. We don't have the money. I need a tooth fixed, Koen problably has several. George is making our house payment.



I do not want to frickin' clean another apartment again ever. I hate, despise, deplore that work. I must be able to do better than cleaning flithy aptartments for little more than minimum wage.



If I was in the world, I would get a full time job. I would put Koen in public school. When school let out, I would enroll him in the variety of summer day camps sponsored by various organizations. Because I am in the truth, those aren't options. I am left needing to figure our child care. TJ and Lea are not a satisfactory solution. For that matter in this current state I am in neither am I. I feel so disconnected from Koen because I am angry that he doesn't appreciate anything I try to do for him. He just fights me and demands more than he deserves. I want to get our relationship back into a balance but I cannot as long as we are where we are.